Have you ever come to a point where you are looking at the things around you and wondered why they are so messed up?
Well me too. I have a nice house with a garage I can't use. Isn't that weird. Not for me. I have wonderful yard with a nice boat and some lovely trees.
The sad part is, this isn't worth anything without the kids who run through it and climb up the trees. I find that no matter how nice things are. I cant enjoy them if I am alone. I don't mind being alone, I am happy by my self, and often it helps me reflect on my conduct and interactions during the day but when it comes to interacting with people I love a positive interactions with people. I love to see the faces of my kids when they light up. I will never forget the day I came home and with my family struggling after a difficult change in our lives, yes another one. I walked in the door and my little Ruby at 3 years old asked me "Daddy will you run away with me." I will say that was the most wonderful request I have ever had.
We ran away around, and around, and around the kitchen and living room this was so fun she giggled and giggled as she ran away with daddy. the little magic in her face and the wonderful gift of life she had in her every thought and action. I will say I was amazingly rich with love that day.
This little princess was only 1 pound 5 ounces at birth, to see her run and jump and play is just so wonderful. I had no idea what to thing as she continued to grow and to see her learn how to be a little lady is just awesome. I just hope we can hit pause and enjoy this stage in her life right now.
I hope I am capable to provide the best instruction and advocacy for her as se grows into a young woman. I see so many things I want her to learn and the things I learned the hard way.
I just hope she isn't like her dad, I was so lost as a kid. I struggled to make sense of things and the skills I needed to deal with the world around me were hard to find. Often I went about things the wrong way but I didn't mean to.
I think I have done everything wrong at least once. The cool thing is I learn fast. Once is all it takes. Though my methods are not exactly the best. They are effective, well in my mind at least. I have learned some interesting facts about learning and the process of learning. I can read a book and understand the general rules of how to be. The trick is taking in all the ins and outs of the people around me and attempting to communicate in the most effective way.
I can say I have had the chance to develop a personal relationship with God. I remember as a young man I often went to church because I was told to. I would sit and wonder why I had to sit in the boring old chair and with some kids who I didn't know me well because I was never around them in the summer or winter.
I had some stories to tell but I was so ashamed at why I couldn't interact with them and have meaningful conversation. I had no material to contribute. I did however have a child hood of trauma I could share. I couldn't get past this to be able to relate to what they where talking about. I stumbled around and tried but I was generally unable to connect.
This is at least until I had a few people come in and introduce some good things in my life. I was able to have some friends who had some wonderful parents. These people where able to talk with me. Some of them allowed me to hang out at their house sometimes. I was so happy to get these chances. Then I went home, it could be two AM and we would be awoken by slamming and yelling through the house. Trying to drag myself out of bed and understand what happened then try to remember what may have been asked of us the day before possible during one of these early wakeup calls.
I often had difficulty focusing in school due to this and me trying to keep a job and pay rent to live at home. I was often trying to balance making money and being able to have a place to shower and sleep was barely making it to graduation.
I slept on the concrete floor in the basement of a house I once played with my brothers and my family in. All the other people in this house got to sleep on my old bunk beds given to me by my mom. The memories of my childhood riddled with yelling and trying to escape the drama.
When I went into the military, I found the atmosphere to be very familiar. I just did what I was told. The cool thing here is if I did what I was told I didn't get yelled at. I like this, I wasn't yelled at for nothing. If I did what I was told I was praised in the same fervent manner. I was so appreciative of this experience I was thankful for the chance to live with others of my age but still in the same level of living. I actually got to sleep on a bed and the marching wasn't too bad.
I got 3 meals a day and didn't have to endure endless ridicule for breathing the air in my own house. This was amazing for me. I did get yelled at but if I just did what I was told things where easy.
The place I left I would get yelled at regardless of what I did. I was so glad that I could enjoy this.
I think for many this was hard but for me, I was thankful for the things I was able to earn for being here. I have never been prouder of my self. I wasn't mocked for wearing hand me down cloths and for once I had a real set of dress clothes that matched. This was great I felt like I looked so nice with the polished shoes and all.
I finally felt like I looked nice in my clothes.
I went to my tech school and learned my job. That was nice, I was able to talk to people in my time off. That was great, oh yeah and some of them were girls. Yes this was cool to me at the time. I was totally fine with this. I was totally able to feel good about myself and I didn't get teased about my clothes. This barrier gone I had much more confidence in who I was.
many of the other people didn't know what I had come from. Some of them where doctors kids and others the same as me. I quickly developed friends and I missed them so bad when I PCS'd to my duty station.
I got to go to my home state. Okay, I wanted to go to Germany but home wasn't exactly bad I was glad to see my mom and little brothers. When I got there one of the girls I knew took me shopping with the money I had after paying off my debt and getting a new car. This was the first set of civilian clothes I had purchased since I joined. and I must say I lost 20 pounds and then gained it back. I walked into a store and the ladies stared at me in my blues this was something that had never happened to me before and I didn't know what to do.
I was able to get some clothes this girl picked out for me and said they looked nice. This was super nice of her and I was thrilled to actually have outfits that matched. I will say the heads turning did go to my head a little I mean some of them almost broke off. I was completely loving this. Well I think that's All I have to say about that.
